jose gonzalez - heartbeats

i like the song from the sony bravia ad...you know the one with all the coloured rubber bouncy balls? so i downloaded it. too bad i cant download all those bouncy balls.

its not nice to feel like this day after day for such a long time. it gets to a point where you want to give up. everything was perfect for me for so long and its amazing how a single person can come along and ruin all of that whether intentionally or not. its too hard to trust again and theres too much pressure on me to be someone im not. even with so much heartache i dont want to leave because i love him too much. i want my life back the way it was without the complications. i need to feel whole again. i need him. hes the only one who makes me better and when im with him i cant forgive him for how hes making me feel right now. when im away from him im pining for him and yet seeing him breaks my heart. god i love him.

i havent eaten again. i didnt yesterday either. i cooked and took a mouthful and was too depressed to take another. its in the fridge covered in gladwrap. someone will eat it. i havent drank either. thats the second time in about three days where i havent wanted to eat or drink. im hungry and i take a bite or a sip and then feel sick. hes what sustains me. without him every thing else could just be dust. im an empty shell without him and yet its taking so long to forgive him for this pain. i need to forgive him because i need him. its getting better not worse. i dont want him to leave me and yet i have a feeling he will. i cant expect him to wait forever for me to be whole again. i just wish he understood he was the one who tore me apart. shattered my life.

i want him. to own him. to posess him. to trust him. to love him. to be his. for this shit to just go away. i want him to fix it. i beg him to fix it. im not anyone without him.

sleep would be nice

okay i cant sleep so ive updated the blog. somehow i managed to delete my old code so the links will be out of date until i can be bothered fixing them.

been so down lately. was reading pearls blog about how wonderful her life is and i must say im pretty jealous!

have noticed people i dont know leaving comments in order to plug their blogs. if i dont know you i wont visit your blog and i can assure you no one else who visits me will either so go ahead and waste your time if you want but youll get nothing out of it.

imma go play with squishy.



Cuddle Whore.
Walks the Line
MSN: Squidness@gmail.com.


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-My Reads-

Chun Fei
Chuin Wei
Lee Ean
Wan Ling


"Harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan...and World Peace."

-To Do List-

- absolutely nothing
- First Aid Training 7/12
- Vacation Care Meeting 7/12
- First Aid Training 8/12
- Vacation Care Meeting 14/12
- 21st Dinner 15/12
- Samantha's Party 17/12
- Dad's Party 18/12


- jade 13/12
- dad 14/12
- adam 15/12
- samantha 17/12

-Online Comics-

Penny Arcade
Sexy Losers
Mac Hall
Happy Tree Friends



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