jose gonzalez - heartbeats

i like the song from the sony bravia ad...you know the one with all the coloured rubber bouncy balls? so i downloaded it. too bad i cant download all those bouncy balls.

its not nice to feel like this day after day for such a long time. it gets to a point where you want to give up. everything was perfect for me for so long and its amazing how a single person can come along and ruin all of that whether intentionally or not. its too hard to trust again and theres too much pressure on me to be someone im not. even with so much heartache i dont want to leave because i love him too much. i want my life back the way it was without the complications. i need to feel whole again. i need him. hes the only one who makes me better and when im with him i cant forgive him for how hes making me feel right now. when im away from him im pining for him and yet seeing him breaks my heart. god i love him.

i havent eaten again. i didnt yesterday either. i cooked and took a mouthful and was too depressed to take another. its in the fridge covered in gladwrap. someone will eat it. i havent drank either. thats the second time in about three days where i havent wanted to eat or drink. im hungry and i take a bite or a sip and then feel sick. hes what sustains me. without him every thing else could just be dust. im an empty shell without him and yet its taking so long to forgive him for this pain. i need to forgive him because i need him. its getting better not worse. i dont want him to leave me and yet i have a feeling he will. i cant expect him to wait forever for me to be whole again. i just wish he understood he was the one who tore me apart. shattered my life.

i want him. to own him. to posess him. to trust him. to love him. to be his. for this shit to just go away. i want him to fix it. i beg him to fix it. im not anyone without him.


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